Its a confusing thing, so don bother

i was messing with my templates when i feel emo again..sigh..I'm at Kuantan now, and so going to miss school tomorrow and oddly enough, I feel sad to miss school..I mean, don't get me wrong..
I don't like school but I HATE staying at one place with HER even more.. I mean, we can't even start up a conversation without fighting.. Like just now, in the car, we fight again and I feel so sad that i cried..
I feel weird.. Like somehow, along the process of growing up, i lost the real me and now, the ME is totally confuse.. Who am i? What's the purpose of me living? I don't know.. And I feel bad.. When I was a kid, I never have those suicide thoughts or even thought of killing someone.. I care a lot about people.. I'm not selfish.. I don't worry.. I'm happy usually..
But..
Now, as a young adult, I'm just a selfish brat..I gets angry without reason,I hit myself without reason, I slap myself without reason..I'm so selfish i don't even borrow money to my own mum and the rest of my family said i'm not filial. I'm not sure.. I tried to pass the blame to my parents divorce but later on, I find out its not.. So, why did i change so much? I mean, why? WHY?!!
Why must I be made to make the choice? Why she have to say that?!Why everyone thinks I'm crazy?
I'm not crazy!! I'm just confuse! Why no one understand?!!!
Sometimes, when I'm home all alone,I just thought about ending my life but I'm never brave enough..I always postpone it..Perhaps next time..Perhaps after SPM if my result are not well, then...I hate it..
Last week, I went to watch Harry Potter(VI) alone, just like the last movie I went to. Reason A : No one bothers to go with me..Reason B : I can't be myself with the presence of others.
Like, I love to watch The Nanny cause its freakingsly funny but when there's people near me, I can only smile or I laugh without voice and choke later..
And I miss her.. I miss her so much but she don't know it.. She got a new BFF.. Over the years, I got a few BFF and a new one here, the old one gone.. Now, I don't dare to get new best friend. Close maybe, but not best..
I got a lot of wishes..
But now, I only wish for one thing..

I wish that there's someone out there who would love,accept and understand the real me..