Its a confusing thing, so don bother

i was messing with my templates when i feel emo again..sigh..I'm at Kuantan now, and so going to miss school tomorrow and oddly enough, I feel sad to miss school..I mean, don't get me wrong..
I don't like school but I HATE staying at one place with HER even more.. I mean, we can't even start up a conversation without fighting.. Like just now, in the car, we fight again and I feel so sad that i cried..
I feel weird.. Like somehow, along the process of growing up, i lost the real me and now, the ME is totally confuse.. Who am i? What's the purpose of me living? I don't know.. And I feel bad.. When I was a kid, I never have those suicide thoughts or even thought of killing someone.. I care a lot about people.. I'm not selfish.. I don't worry.. I'm happy usually..
But..
Now, as a young adult, I'm just a selfish brat..I gets angry without reason,I hit myself without reason, I slap myself without reason..I'm so selfish i don't even borrow money to my own mum and the rest of my family said i'm not filial. I'm not sure.. I tried to pass the blame to my parents divorce but later on, I find out its not.. So, why did i change so much? I mean, why? WHY?!!
Why must I be made to make the choice? Why she have to say that?!Why everyone thinks I'm crazy?
I'm not crazy!! I'm just confuse! Why no one understand?!!!
Sometimes, when I'm home all alone,I just thought about ending my life but I'm never brave enough..I always postpone it..Perhaps next time..Perhaps after SPM if my result are not well, then...I hate it..
Last week, I went to watch Harry Potter(VI) alone, just like the last movie I went to. Reason A : No one bothers to go with me..Reason B : I can't be myself with the presence of others.
Like, I love to watch The Nanny cause its freakingsly funny but when there's people near me, I can only smile or I laugh without voice and choke later..
And I miss her.. I miss her so much but she don't know it.. She got a new BFF.. Over the years, I got a few BFF and a new one here, the old one gone.. Now, I don't dare to get new best friend. Close maybe, but not best..
I got a lot of wishes..
But now, I only wish for one thing..

I wish that there's someone out there who would love,accept and understand the real me..

FAMILY SHUCKS!!!!

What's family for?
I have no idea,
To me I think
They are nothing more
Then $$ supplier.

Dad gave me hundreds once every few months,
Mum gave me tens once a day,
LCM?
Never even give me RM 5 bucks..

Even so,
I don't feel like one,
I mean a family,
Dad at Johor,
Mum at KL,
Idiot at PJ,
Me at SCHOOOOLLLLL!!!!

I hate home,
It doesn't feel like a home,
I'd rather go CC all day,
Rather then staying at home and
think of blood and suicides.

Those stupid arguments yesterday,
Between idiot and mum,
Were F*cking annoying!

I was upset,
And wish I can just go somewhere,
But no one was there when I need them,
SO, i turned my solace to food.
Which I won't have
if its not because my aunt's marriage
IS IN A MONTH'S TIME!!

Cause if its not,
I would have pick up my sharpen spoon,
And dig through my skin,
AND
Don't act shock now, guys,
You people knew I been doing it..

I'm not mad mad,
And not attention needy,
I just mad at myself
and I can't do a thing to express..

Anyway, back to the *solace thingy,
I went to the kitchen,
Ate about two loaves of bread
with one of it
TOASTED and
spread with PEANUT BUTTER !!
Then I finished off 5 bars of chocolates,
And 4 cups of Chocolate ICe cream with
Tens of Jelly Belly ..

And the consequences other than
MAJOR CALORIES INTAKE=FAT?
I can hardly speak now,
But i don't really care.

I mean its better right?
Since there's no point in speaking
To any of them..
Sick of everyone in my family,
Wish I could just leave and go backpack
To somewhere else..